Stop blaming yourself – It’s not your fault: Renew Your Mind in Truth

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How many times do you feel guilty over an outcome that has nothing to do with your actions? Some times we ‘feel’ guilty for not being able to solve others problems.

There are several scenarios in which this takes place

The Helper Mentality

Think about the parents who constantly give their grown son money for bills, condoning their behavior by saying that if they don’t give him the money he won’t be able to pay his utilities. But the truth is he has been mooching off of them for years and he needs a lesson of tough love. However, they would just feel too ‘guilty’ so they can’t do that.

The Blame Mentality

Several weeks ago we watched Zoey to the Max for family movie night. Zoey is a foster girl in her early adolescence. She has been moved from home to home and finally finds herself with a family she loves, who also has a dog named Max who she has bonded with. One day while she was alone with Max, thieves come and steal him. Zoey is overrun with guilt because she blames herself for not being able to stop the robbers. (Side note: at the conclusion of the movie Max is returned and Zoey stays with that family.)

The truth is it wasn’t Zoey’s fault that Max was stolen. The robbers were already intent on taking the dog and it just so happened that she was the one with him at the time.

Both mentalities can do major damage to your emotions and thoughts. The helper mentality frequently feels manipulated by those he is trying to help. When the other party fails to do what the helper desires frustration and anger occur. Think about the parents paying the bills. They feel frustrated that the son keeps taking their money but convince themselves that he is going to take more responsibility for his own finances. They condone their actions by telling themselves this is the last time they are going to help him. But find themselves repeating the pattern month after month. This turns into enabling.

The blame mentality could carry around guilt for years over something that is not even your fault. Sometimes children of divorced parents blame themselves for the divorce. I remember feeling guilty for my father’s death (who passed when I was seven). I thought it was my fault because I prayed a mean prayer one time when I was mad at him.

At various times in my life I have had to deal with both of these issues of guilt on a deeply personal level within family situations. There was a time when I was an enabler and felt guilty if I did not continue meeting someone else’s needs. God brought people and books into my life that helped me to put boundaries in place and to recognize my own unhealthy behavior in the matter.

The hardest issue of blame that I have faced is one of a broken relationship. Someone close to me who has refused to speak to me for five years. I used to let the situation circle through my thoughts over and over wondering what I could have done differently for a different outcome. But the truth is I can’t change their decision not to communicate. There is still sadness in my heart because of love I have for this person but I have had to set my emotions aside and just pray.  

Life Coach Moment

In order to deal with the feelings of guilt you have to get to the root of the problem. Click To Tweet Ask yourself these questions. Journal about them. Pray and ask the Lord to show you what the real issue is.

Describe the situation you are feeling guilty about.

• What am I feeling? What is it that I feel I should be doing?
• Why do I feel like this is my responsibility?
• Who else is involved?
• What responsibility does the other party have in this situation?
• Am I enabling?
• What should my responsibility be?
• How is this affecting my life?
• What am I going to do the next time I am faced with this situation or feelings of guilt?

For a deeper look at enabling check out these two articles

Helping Vs Enabling: How to Know which is which

Boundary Basics

Renew Your Mind in Truth

As you begin to work through what is your responsibility you might feel like you don’t have enough discernment and are easily suade by your feelings.

Remember God’s promise in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

As you begin to discern what is your responsibility and what is not guilt may creep in. Cling to Isaiah 54:17 “no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD.”

Sometimes the accusation may come from within and sometimes it may come from people who are not in agreement with the boundaries you are beginning to set up.

Prayer

Thank You Father for giving me wisdom about what is my responsibility and what is not. I refuse to let guilt have a strong hold. You promise that no weapon formed against me will prevail. I believe in Your promise. Amen

Self-Talking Point when you feel like it is your fault.

It’s not my fault. _______is responsible for their actions. I am choosing to commit my way to the Lord and to guard my own heart.

This concludes our five week look at guilt.

False Guilt versus real guilt

Feeling Guilty for struggling with Anxiety and Depression

Freedom from the condemnation of religion

How to handle self-condemnation