Ugly. I imagine we’ve all felt this at one time in our lives and maybe for some of you it is everyday with no moments of relief. I have felt this way for the past few weeks and to an extent that I haven’t stopped eating my way out of it.
I have reminded myself of every verse in the Bible that tells me what God thinks of me, but it hasn’t helped beyond keeping me from crying. Maybe you know some of these verses. Psalm 17:8 Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings. Isaiah 49:16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me. Psalm 45:13 The king’s daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold. How about 1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.
That last verse has really hurt me the last few days because I’m not just feeling ugly on the outside, but also on the inside. It has really begun to wear on me that I can’t even appeal to God, because if He looks on the inside, I’m in trouble right now. I’m allowing negative thoughts to defeat me. I have spent the last year out of control with food after God brought me so far from where I used to be. I have been saying mean things about people, speaking angrily to my loved ones, basically just being ugly all around.
Have you ever felt this type of ugly. That there is not one redeeming quality about yourself? I am full of anger at myself and discouraged by all the progress spiritually and physically I have “flushed” down the toilet this last year. Right now I am allowing all these feelings to control my actions, to keep me from making the right decisions to glorify God and help myself. Reading God’s word is the only thing keeping me going. Being with God, knowing no matter what I feel, God means what He says. But the Lord looketh on the heart. God means that. It wasn’t written down to make us feel better. God spoke it because it is true, because it is what we need to use to erase our feelings and seek HIS truth about ourselves.
Even as I write this, I have a plan of action I have been attempting to put in place for days. Today is the day I am going to take the first step. I am going to cover the mirror in my room with scripture. The scriptures that tell me my value is not in how I look, not in the mistakes I make, not in the sins I’ve committed. No, my value is in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. The love of my life and the darling* of my heart (Psalm 22:20 Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling* from the power of the dog.) My King James Bible translates darling as, MY ONLY ONE. I know how God views me and I need to view myself the same way. The only way to do that is to bury myself in God’s Holy Word, to pray it over my life, to seek God to make it a truth in my heart so that my feelings are erased when they come to beat me down into negativity.
For anyone enduring what I am at this very moment, I refuse to offer you platitudes, but I offer you God’s truth. I once wrote this down to remind myself what I really am. If you want to know who you are, KNOW what God says about you. If you want to know who you aren’t, know what everyone else says about you.
This is not an easy battle. It is a battle I have fought my entire life, wondering if I’m beautiful, if I have anything to offer and if I am worthwhile. One year ago April, I was 126 lbs, on my way to svelte. I still believed I was fat. I still believed I was unattractive. I was a size 4 which I had spent two years getting to from a size 18-20. Let that ruminate with you for a moment. I went from 170 lbs to 126 lbs and I believed I was fat. Now when I look back at the pictures of the 126 lb me, I cry in anger at myself for not seeing what was really there. I was healthy, I was fit. I wasn’t washboard or super skinny, but I was the hourglass beauty God made me to be. The woman I was always meant to be and I couldn’t believe it. With my own eyes I saw that body in the mirror often enough I should have believed I was healthy, that I wasn’t fat. Instead of believing God, I believed what my insecurity told me and stopped eating healthy. I jumped back to all the disgusting processed foods that make me sick on a daily basis.
If you are struggling with this today, I urge you to seek God. To bury yourself in His word or bury your face in a pillow and cry to God like I do so often. Pray. Cry. Scream. Whatever you need to do, God is waiting to help you through this. God is holding out His hand to you right now, saying child, I look at your heart, I see this struggle and I am going to bring you through it. Before we start down this path of healing you must know right now, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE MY CHILD. YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE. YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
Don’t quit. Don’t stop. Keep moving forward, reading Gods’s word, reaching out to brothers and sisters in Christ to pray with you and for you. UGLY isn’t in God’s vocabulary when it comes to HIS children.
If you want me to pray for you or just need someone to talk with I am at firstname.lastname@example.org. Regardless of my struggles, God has made me a prayer warrior and an encourager. God’s people are my ministry.