Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
I am wicked, I am sick.
Today the thoughts I had toward a certain person would have me tried, convicted and executed in this world, had I physically acted on them. It has been a very long time since I had such wicked, sick thoughts toward anyone. In fact, I haven’t lost my temper like this in years. I’m not making excuses, I’m pointing out one glaring fact. The Holy Spirit has been working in my life and leading me in the way everlasting these last 19 years. My thoughts have been directed towards God and His will for me while I am here on this Earth.
Slowly and at first without realizing it, the wickedness began to seep into one little crack of my heart. As the wickedness seeped in, that little crack in my heart became a hole. That wickedness has led to my current heart sickness. Yes, I am sick and only God can heal me. I am grateful God has brought this wickedness to my attention, that I can say this sickness is not unto death. Most of all, I am grateful God is already helping me through this sickness.
The truth is, I know what this person is experiencing on a daily basis and I want to help them, but my own wickedness refuses to allow it. I listen to the devil’s whisper, “She brought this on herself. She is alone because she put men first. No one wants to spend time with her because all she does is complain. She never has anything positive to say. All she does is cause drama. Nothing has ever been her fault, she doesn’t take responsibility for anything she’s done in 70+ years.”
Yes, I’m still fighting that battle to love my grandmother and let me tell you it gets bloodier and bloodier for me on a spiritual level. However, the Holy Spirit is in this battle with me and I am not going down like I thought I was. Not only has God brought this sickness to my attention through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but through people who have called me out on my behavior. The truth is I am not the person that comes out when my grandmother is around. What better way for the enemy to keep her away from Jesus than having her madly in love with God granddaughter treating her like a plague. I know the way I treat my grandmother is not what God wants and believe me when I say I am trying. I am praying for God to help me surrender myself in this area. To allow Him to work through me to bring her to salvation. True salvation.
I can’t blame my grandmother for not caring about Jesus. The closest thing she’s probably seen to God’s love has been on t.v. during some Hallmark special that throws some scripture around in it and mentions God. I know how bad that is because I have had to finally acknowledge it. To realize my grandmother has only seen glimpses of Jesus in my life and not all of Him. Upon realizing this, I sought God out and asked, If this is what the world sees of believers, then why would you ever use us to try and save each other? I’m still waiting for God to answer and I know He will. If I can’t love my grandmother, how can I ever claim to love Jesus? To be a follower of the man that left the perfect example of love.
I’m struggling. Yet, I trust in God that He is working in me. That He is purging me of the wickedness that has become a sickness in my heart. I haven’t lost faith. I am relying heavily upon God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus to fix me. To break this hard heart and mold it the way it is supposed to be. I won’t give up and I will fully surrender to God once I beat my pride into nothingness. I don’t need to acknowledge the rain in my life because the sunshine is on the way. I will keep my eyes on God. I will win this battle by the grace of God, the blood of Jesus and the strength of the Holy Spirit.