It has been a long time since I’ve written anything. I made my goal during the Summer to write at least three times a week and that hasn’t happened.
Depression is the topic I’m sharing on today.
Quite frankly, I never thought I’d be here…In depression that is. I am having the best things in life happen to me and I can no longer deny that I have been in true depression for at least six months, if not more. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t want to be here. I never intended to be here. The road I was on with God showed no signs of ending up here, but wow. Here I am.
I guess I should back up a little bit and say until today, I didn’t know how I got here. About ten minutes ago God reminded me of a simple sentence I spoke over and over about depression and the people in my life that were/are struggling with it.
“I don’t understand.”
My biggest battles, my toughest fights against sin and self have been spurred on by that very simple, innocent sentence more than a few times in my 20 years as a believer. Most people will tell you I like to learn the hard way. I don’t quit until I figure it all out and have all the answers that I am seeking. There is something inside me, so deep I really haven’t been able to identify it, yet, that demands I learn everything that I don’t understand.
I didn’t want to understand depression firsthand, but because I consistently told God I couldn’t understand someone else’s struggle, it became mine. Please do not think I am badmouthing God in anyway because I’m not. Every time God led me down the path someone else was walking I grew exponentially in my faith and was able to speak true and honest words to help them in their need.
The thing is, I spent so much time denying I was in depression, it overcame me before I could realize I had to fight. I only acknowledged my depression a week, maybe two weeks ago. Was it a pride issue? No. I wish it had been. I’d have figured things out a lot faster and then made my way through it by God’s grace and mercy.
Pride never entered the equation. Knowledge is what kept me from fighting when depression first crept in.
Knowledge of who I am, what I have been through and what I am made of. Who I am in Christ, His promises in my life and what God’s plans are for me.
I have been sad, discouraged, discontent and desperate. Depression is a whole new world and let me tell you I don’t like it. I am a bubbly, love everyone so they can see Christ in you, let me cheer you up and encouraging woman. That is who I am and that knowledge allowed the subtlety of depression to seep in.
If any of this is confusing or not making sense, I apologize. I am still wading my way through it by the light of Christ’s love and the leading of the Holy Spirit. In truth, I am still confused by it myself. I am reading scripture, trying to lock down where this all started, how it started and then when I stop to breathe, I realize I haven’t stopped breathing.
I’m moving so fast through everything so I can just be free of this depression. So that I can look to God and say, I understand, let’s move on. NOW, please.
I didn’t think God wanted me to write about this, especially since I’m still all over the place with this situation. However, I still turned on the laptop and typed.
God is beyond good. Not because the Bible tells me so, but because I have seen it everyday of my life and I know I will continue to see His goodness as long as I have breath in this body. I don’t doubt this is all for good, Romans 8:28. However, I don’t want people throwing scripture at me and that is the first thing I understand about depression. Something I have rarely done for those in my life struggling on a daily basis with depression.
LISTEN. Just LISTEN. Yes, God comes first. Yes, God’s word is full of truth we need to rebuke depression with. Yes, prayer is beautiful and it works. All of these things are wonderful and great to hear, but not when you are fighting depression. Especially when no one really understands your specific depression. I wish those in my life that I have attempted to help in the past had said, “Belinda, please. Just listen.”
I’m a fixer no matter the situation and for the first time in my life I am realizing all those things I’ve done to fix myself are just band-aids hanging on by the last bit of stickiness. I realize all those people I tried to help never got a word in edgewise because I was busy throwing scriptures at them, like those automatic baseball machines on SUPER FAST mode.
Duct tape may be the answer for me. I may start carrying it in my purse so when I run into those loved ones, I can slap it over my lips and just listen. Maybe even give them a heartfelt hug instead of all those, I tried to listen, but you wouldn’t take my advice, awkward hugs.
See, the point of this depression I’m experiencing is to learn and I already have, but I don’t know that I’m out of the fire yet. That’s okay because Jesus walks through the fire with me.
I am going to point one last thing out before I start sharing encouraging scripture, because that’s what I do. Encourage 🙂
My life is beautiful right now.
I am falling madly in love with God on a daily basis (despite this depression), I have a godly man in my life that listens, prays and leads me outside so I can’t hide from the world in my depression. I am spoiled by God on a daily basis ( I consider beautiful trees in fall my own personal gift from God), I am taught by the Holy Spirit moment by moment, I have great friends (not as many as I would like), I have two beautiful brothers that brighten my day at a moment’s notice.
In the next year or two I will be furthering my education, working towards a degree & certification, engaged, married, buying or renting a house until I move down south and eventually by God’s grace I’ll have some children. So I won’t get upset if you say, I don’t understand her depression. I don’t understand it.
Scriptures that are carrying me through this depression.
(KJV) Psalm 27:14- Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. (This one hurts me a lot because I don’t want to wait. I want this to be over.)
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