Digging up the roots of my depression is the only way I’ll get out of it.
It’s been three or four days since my original post on depression and I’ve begun to dig around to find out where exactly this depression came from. What part of my past or present stirred this up and allowed it to take hold of me.
I have never told my whole “story” and I don’t believe I ever will unless God makes it clear I have to. What I am about to share has scarred me so deeply I can’t imagine living without the scars.
As a child, I was alone. A lot. When I wasn’t alone I was ignored, yelled at (when I misbehaved for attention) and used. Growing up my parents were not good with money. I vividly remember I would save every dollar I got from birthday cards, Christmas cards and anywhere else (my aunt sent me a card for every holiday, literally). I remember my parents consistently borrowing money from me until I had none and it was never replaced.
Don’t get the meaning behind this story wrong. I don’t resent my parents, I’m not upset with them, but God brought this memory back to me one day to show me my way of life was wrong. By my parents actions I came to believe the only reason anyone would pay attention to me (see me as worthy) was if I gave them something they needed or wanted.
That belief molded every part of who I was up until two years ago. I finally realized that if all the people in my life were only around for what I could give them, how come they kept coming back? Even when I had nothing tangible to give.
I spent most of my life “buying” people so they would put up with me. I truly believed that was what people in my life were doing. Just putting up with me because they were good people and that was required to remain a good person.
Being used as a child, made me accept it as an adult. It was just the way things were for me.
God has slowly brought me out of the bondage of that lie. Yet, I had already accepted that I would always be alone when it came to other people. I’d always have God and that is enough.
Along with being used, I accepted being alone. I felt it was safer to be alone so no one could mess with me or use me.
Alone is a very scary place to be and especially by your own choice. There is no one to talk to, confide in or receive wisdom from. Slowly alone goes from dreadful silence to utter darkness. The walls start closing in and hope flees. That utter darkness begins to seep into every part of you until negativity is the only friend you have.
That is where my roots of depression seeded themselves years ago. They sat dormant, waiting for the right time to sprout up and strangle the very life from me.
I have always preferred to be alone and if I don’t get enough alone time, I start to deteriorate emotionally. In fact, my boyfriend and I are taking two weekends away from each other so I get the time I need to regenerate.
The point of this post is to encourage you to dig up the roots of depression in your life. One by one, because if you grew up at all like I did, there are multiple roots you’ll have to dig up. It will be an arduous work, but our mental health deserves the effort. God wants us to be free of the bondage of depression.
I realize now that there won’t be a fast track out of depression for me, but at least I know there is a plan of attack in place and I can look forward to the light at the end of this journey. I won’t be in darkness forever and truth be told, God’s light is leading me even now. The dark surrounds me, but all I need is the light of God to move forward even if it is one step at a time.
Again, I apologize if this is not a perfectly written message, but I am struggling even now just to write what God is leading me to write because the darkness wants me to stay right where I am.
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