Roller coaster rides are not my most favorite part of amusement parks. I don’t mind them, but I don’t seek them out. Depression can be just like a roller coaster ride. One of my bi-polar friends has described their depression as a carousel ride. Just when he thinks he’s gotten off, he goes around with the same bout of depression.
Recently I was turned down for a job I didn’t want, but was guaranteed I was going to get. I wasn’t upset when I didn’t get the job, but then I was hit with another piece of news. Not only had I been passed over for the job, but I was being removed from my current position. My job is a double title which means I do two different types of work, but I have been mainly doing desk work the last two years.
I fought hard and long to prove I deserved to be FT in my current position, but then was pushed hard towards the job I didn’t get. So in the end I was literally pushed out of my job, the one job I wanted. I’ve loved going to work everyday for the past two years. In fact, I’ve only had one truly bad day in two years and I am thankful God allowed it to be that way.
Then today my car wouldn’t start. I had to get a ride to work and as if losing my position to someone else wasn’t bad enough, I had to train her today.
In reality, I don’t know how I’m handling. I don’t feel angry, I don’t treat my replacement as if I’m angry and I’ve continued doing my job as if I’m not losing it.
I am working hard to find another job altogether because I cannot survive on the PT hours they now plan on giving me. I feel like my life has taken an unexpected turn as if I’m on a roller coaster, but I’m not.
God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, right? Does the Bible say that? I don’t ever remember reading that, but I know over and over the Bible tells me God will give me the strength to see things through. That God will guide my steps. Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Psalm 32:8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.
My depression prefers that I focus on the unknown. I don’t know where God is leading me, I don’t know if I’m going to like where I’m going or how I get there. I don’t know if I want to be where God is leading me. Depression wants me to forget all about knowing God, the ONE that is leading me. If I forget that God is good, that God is perfect and that God is bringing me to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
An expected end is where God is leading me. If God’s thoughts toward me are of peace and not of evil, why I am focusing on what I don’t know?
This roller coaster ride I’m on is really by my own choice. If I put more of the Bible in my heart, life and mind I end up with no room to worry about what I don’t know.
Today, I choose to get off this roller coaster and allow God to show me HIS goodness. Today, I refuse to be sad, angry or frustrated by the loss of a position I love, that my car won’t start and whatever else comes my way today. I will be honest and admit, depression really makes me tired and I will probably lay down after this, maybe even fall asleep.
I still claim today as a victory in Jesus because I did not dwell on my car not starting. I haven’t been dwelling on losing my position. I didn’t focus on the negative, but just pushed through thanking God for His love. Sometimes in my depression that is the most I can do, but God knows that. He understands me and He loves me.